In the spirit of yesterday’s Valentine’s Day post, I thought I would delve deeper into an issue that I have heard so many people with chronic illness talk about: feeling unlovable. So many have shared that they don’t feel worthy of love, that they’re too hard to love, and that they’ll never find what they are truly looking for. There is so much pressure in our society to find a partner, which can be particularly difficult and daunting for those with chronic illness.
Loneliness and Chronic Illness:
Society as a whole is struggling with loneliness. Loneliness is a state of mind, making people people feel empty, alone, and unwanted. Many countries have recognized that there is a loneliness epidemic, with the World Health Organization deeming it a “global public health concern”. And according to a recent study, loneliness can shorten your lifespan by 26 percent.
According to Pepperdine University psychology professor Judy Ho Gavazza, “[t]he feeling of loneliness is painful emotionally and can have a devastating impact on both psychological and physical health; including increased risks of depression, decreased immune system function, and stress to the cardiovascular system, ultimately impacting our longevity over the long run”.
Loneliness is particularly present for many people with chronic illness, as “chronic illness interrupts connection by removing opportunities for interactions”. Many people with chronic illness can no longer attend school or work, often need to cancel plans with friends, or are merely busy balancing their one million doctor’s appointments. All of this reduces the time and energy those with chronic illness have to socialize.
A lot of people got some sense of this kind of loneliness during the COVID-19 pandemic, when they could no longer socialize with their friends and family as normal. For many with chronic illness or disabilities, this is a daily reality. And going out in public may be even more dangerous for them now as they still try to avoid catching illnesses like colds, the flu, or Covid.
Feeling Unlovable:
Many have talked about how difficult it is to find a supportive partner, for a wide variety of reasons. Individuals with chronic illnesses may struggle with feelings of being unlovable due to a combination of physical, emotional, and social factors. Here are some reasons why someone with a chronic illness might feel this way:
1. Physical Limitations:
Chronic illnesses often come with physical limitations and symptoms that can impact daily life. These limitations may make individuals feel like they are a burden on their loved ones or unable to participate in activities that are traditionally associated with expressions of love.
2. Emotional Toll:
Dealing with chronic illness can be emotionally exhausting. Individuals may experience frustration, sadness, or anxiety about their health, and these emotions can affect their perceptions of self-worth and lovability.
3. Social Stigma:
Society’s perception of health and beauty standards can contribute to feelings of inadequacy. Those with chronic illnesses may internalize societal expectations and fear that they do not meet conventional standards of attractiveness or normalcy. Currently, I have a feeding tube. And even after it comes out, I will have a scar on my abdomen for the rest of my life. And while I was really not excited about it at first, it’s a constant reminder of everything I have been through. I like to think of it as a free tattoo.
4. Fear of Rejection:
The fear of being rejected or abandoned due to their health condition can be a significant concern for individuals with chronic illnesses. They may worry that potential partners or friends will not be willing to invest the time and effort required to understand and support their health needs, leaving them feeling unlovable. And these concerns are not totally out there – there is significant research showing that men often leave their wives when they become ill.
5. Dependency Concerns:
Chronic illnesses often require ongoing medical care and support. Some individuals may fear becoming dependent on others, equating dependency with being unlovable. This fear can stem from societal notions of independence as a key component of desirability. It can be easy to feel like you are needy or high maintenance, and lack the ability to be a good partner or friend. As such, people with chronic illness often try to hide their struggles from those close to them, which pushes people away, exacerbating feelings of unworthiness and being unlovable.
6. Communication Challenges:
It can be challenging for individuals with chronic illnesses to effectively communicate their needs and feelings to others. This breakdown in communication may lead to misunderstandings and create a sense of isolation. Sometimes it feels like nobody understands me or what I am going through.
7. Mental Health Impact:
Chronic illnesses can have a significant impact on mental health. Conditions like depression or anxiety, which may coexist with chronic illnesses, can contribute to negative self-perceptions and feelings of being unlovable. Many with chronic illness have low self-esteem and feel significant levels of shame, which can contribute to them feeling unlovable.
8. Previous Experiences:
Negative experiences, such as past rejections or unhelpful comments from others, can contribute to a person’s belief that they are unlovable. These experiences may create emotional scars that persist even when surrounded by supportive individuals.
It’s important to note that these feelings are not reflective of reality. Everyone is worthy of love and support, regardless of their health status. Encouraging open communication, fostering empathy, and providing reassurance can help individuals with chronic illnesses feel more loved and accepted. Seeking support from mental health professionals, support groups, or loved ones can also be beneficial in addressing these complex emotions.
Internalized Ableism:
Thinking that you’re unlovable due to your illness or disability is a form of internalized ableism. Talila Lewis, an attorney and educator, defines ableism as “a system that places value on people’s bodies and minds based on societally constructed ideas of normality, intelligence, excellence, desirability, and productivity.” Ableism permeates through our society and culture.
Intersectionality acknowledges the interconnected nature of various forms of discrimination, and when it comes to ableism, it intersects with racism, sexism, and capitalism. Individuals with chronic illnesses navigate a complex web of societal expectations shaped by these intersecting factors. Individuals with chronic illnesses often grapple with not only the challenges posed by their health conditions but also with societal expectations tied to their race, gender, and socio-economic status.
Ableism permeates systemic structures, influencing policies, accessibility, and social attitudes. Barriers to healthcare, workplace accommodations, and societal misconceptions contribute to an environment that can be particularly isolating and discriminatory.
And it has convinced people with chronic illnesses that they are unlovable.
It is a system of beliefs that individuals with chronic illnesses may internalize, leading them to perceive themselves through the lens of societal judgments. This internalization can manifest as feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, and being unlovable due to one’s health condition. Recognizing internalized ableism involves understanding the deeply ingrained biases and stereotypes associated with health and ability, and how these impact one’s own self-perception.
The impact of internalized ableism on self-perception is profound, particularly within the context of chronic illness. Individuals may absorb societal messages that equate worth with productivity, health, and conformity to conventional beauty standards. This internalization can result in a distorted self-image, where individuals feel burdened by their conditions, believing they fall short of societal expectations. Challenging these negative self-perceptions requires a conscious effort to separate one’s intrinsic worth from ableist societal norms.
So, how do we combat this?
So how do we prove to ourselves that we are lovable and have inherent worth, despite our illnesses and disabilities?
1. Replace shame with grief.
Rather than saying “I don’t deserve friends”, say, “I’m sad that my illness prevents me from spending time with my friends”.
2. Say affirmations until you believe them.
Tell yourself that you are worthy of love and connection. And then repeat it and repeat it and repeat it.
Some of my favourite affirmations are:
- My scars are my battle wounds.
- Disability does not mean inability.
- My body has carried me through countless life challenges.
- I am more than the limitations imposed by my illness.
- My body’s value is not contingent on its ability to conform to societal standards.
- My body is resilient, adapting to the challenges my chronic illness presents.
- I am worthy of love and care, especially during times of struggle.
- I deserve kindness, understanding, and love, especially from myself.
- I am deserving of love, respect, and acceptance, especially from myself.
- I am so proud of myself.
3. Find a way to deal with stress and reduce anxiety.
Whether it be baking, walking, sitting outside, eating a balanced diet, listening to music, lighting a candle, watching funny movies, following a sleep routine, taking a hot bath, reducing your caffeine intake, turning your phone off, or all of the above, do it.
Some of my favourite coping mechanisms and stress reduction activities are:
- Journaling: writing down your thoughts and feelings have therapeutic benefits. Expressing your thoughts and emotions on paper can serve as a powerful coping mechanism. I have been journaling on and off my whole life, but I really picked it up again when I first got sick, and I am so grateful that I did. It’s a great way to explore what you are going through, and it’s very powerful to be able to go back and remember everything I went through and see how far I’ve come.
- Exercise and Physical Activity: We all know about the significant correlation between physical activity and mental well-being. When I first got sick, I wasn’t allowed to exercise for six months. I can now do some activity, which I fine tune as I have significantly varying energy levels. Not only do I feel physically stronger, but exercise releases endorphins and has a positive impact on our moods.
- Meditation and Mindfulness: I find meditation and mindfulness practices to be extremely beneficial in reducing anxiety and promoting a sense of calm. I love listening to guided meditations as I fall asleep. There are so many free ones online on YouTube and Spotify.
4. Pick up hobbies you can do from home on your own.
I started blogging because I have a lot of time in my evenings, but not enough energy to leave my apartment.
5. Challenge societal standards.
To combat internalized ableism, it is essential to challenge and deconstruct societal standards that perpetuate discriminatory beliefs. This involves questioning the conventional narratives surrounding health, ability, and attractiveness. Encourage yourself to redefine your own worth outside these limiting norms, allowinf for the cultivation of a positive and empowering self-image. Recognizing the inherent value in diversity, including the myriad of ways in which bodies and minds function, is a crucial step towards dismantling internalized ableism and the feeling of being unlovable.
6. Embrace your uniqueness.
An integral aspect of overcoming internalized ableism is embracing one’s uniqueness and acknowledging the inherent worth present in every individual, regardless of health status. Celebrating the diversity of experiences, bodies, and abilities contributes to a more inclusive and compassionate worldview. By recognizing the strength and resilience developed through navigating life with a chronic illness, individuals can foster a sense of pride and self-love that transcends societal judgments.
7. Develop radical self-love.
Challenge societal norms by dismantling internalized judgments and embracing every facet of yourself with unwavering acceptance and compassion. Radical self-love involves treating oneself with the same kindness and understanding extended to others, recognizing that imperfections are integral parts of the human experience. Embracing radical self-love also involves setting boundaries that prioritize personal well-being, fostering a sense of agency and empowerment. This journey is about recognizing one’s inherent worth, fostering resilience in the face of challenges, and ultimately, cultivating a profound and unshakeable love for oneself. While it is so much easier said than done, it is possible.
8. Join a support group.
If you feel like you can’t talk to a close friend or a family member because they don’t understand, meet people that do know what you are going through. And if you can’t go in person, there are now many groups that meet online instead. These social interactions and social support can help relieve depressive symptoms and provide emotional support when dealing with health problems.
9. If you can afford it, go to therapy.
Take the time to find a therapist that specializes in chronic illness and cognitive-behavioral therapy. Therapy can help you accept your illness and your new reality, while helping remind you that you have inherent worth. Many therapists now provide online therapy, which is particularly helpful for those with a physical illness that prevents them from easily leaving their home. Therapy sessions can help significantly improve your quality of life by reducing negative thoughts and negative self-talk, breaking a vicious cycle.
10. Learn to trust people and take them at their word.
If your friends offer to help you, accept that they mean it. If your partner tells you they love you and will support you, accept that they mean it. My new policy is to take people at their word until they show me differently.
11. Remind yourself of all the things your illness has taught you and others.
Empathy, understanding, how to fall asleep anywhere, patience, a strong customer service voice, how to advocate for yourself, how to be supportive, how to be present, how to pull yourself out of a dark space, strength and persistence, how to appreciate the little things, etc.
Concrete Changes to Combat Ableism and Loneliness:
While individual efforts play a crucial role in challenging ableism and fostering inclusivity, systemic change is equally vital. Governments have the power to enact policies that address ableism, reduce loneliness, and create a more equitable society for individuals with chronic illnesses. Here are some concrete changes that can be implemented:
1. Accessibility Regulations:
Enforce and enhance accessibility regulations across public spaces, workplaces, and digital platforms. Implementing stringent accessibility standards ensures that individuals with chronic illnesses have equal opportunities for employment, education, and participation in public life.
2. Inclusive Healthcare Policies:
Develop and implement healthcare policies that prioritize inclusivity and accessibility. This includes addressing the specific needs of individuals with chronic illnesses, ensuring timely access to affordable and comprehensive healthcare services, and promoting mental health support.
3. Anti-Discrimination Legislation:
Strengthen anti-discrimination legislation to explicitly address ableism. This involves creating legal frameworks that protect individuals with chronic illnesses from discrimination in areas such as employment, education, housing, and healthcare.
4. Employment Accommodations:
Encourage and incentivize employers to provide reasonable accommodations for individuals with chronic illnesses. This can include flexible work schedules, telecommuting options, and workplace adjustments that support the needs of employees managing health conditions.
5. Education and Awareness Campaigns:
Invest in public awareness campaigns to educate the general population about chronic illnesses and disabilities. By challenging stereotypes and promoting understanding, these campaigns contribute to reducing the stigma associated with chronic conditions and fostering empathy.
6. Accessible Transportation:
Improve and expand accessible transportation options. Adequate public transportation, designed with the needs of individuals with disabilities in mind, facilitates greater independence and social participation.
7. Community Support Programs:
Fund and promote community-based programs that provide support and social connections for individuals with chronic illnesses. This can include initiatives like support groups, community centers, and outreach programs designed to combat social isolation.
8. Mental Health Services:
Increase accessibility to mental health services, ensuring that individuals with chronic illnesses have access to counseling and mental health support. This includes significant additional funding to mental health resources across the country. Reduce wait lines and make access less cost-prohibitive to individuals. Recognizing the interconnectedness of physical and mental well-being is essential for holistic healthcare.
By implementing these concrete changes, governments can actively contribute to the reduction of ableism and loneliness, creating a more inclusive and supportive society for individuals with chronic illnesses. These policy shifts are integral to building a future where everyone, regardless of health status, can fully participate and thrive.
Final Thoughts:
Your chronic illness does not make you a burden. It does not make you weak. And it absolutely does not make you unlovable.