Living with chronic illness often presents several challenges. While most people are trying to offer support, sometimes they just really don’t think about what they say. And sometimes, the things people say can be really hurtful, even with the best intentions. Here are 13 things to never say to someone with chronic illness, and what you should do and say to them instead.
13 Things to Never Say to Someone With Chronic Illness:
1. “You’re too young to be sick.”
I mean, clearly not. While we often associate severe illness and chronic disease with older people, this is a misconception. People of all ages can develop chronic illnesses, so saying this undermines the legitimacy of a person’s health challenges. It can also make people feel worse, because yes, obviously no one really plans or prepares to get really sick at a young age. I got sick a few days after turning 26.
2. “You don’t look sick.”
Again, super unhelpful. Visible symptoms don’t necessarily correlate with the severity of the illness. Many chronic conditions are invisible illnesses, and individuals often experience fluctuations in their health. Many have good days and bad days. Dismissing my struggles as a chronically ill person because I don’t look sick enough to you undermines my experiences and the challenging symptoms that I face every single day. Most of us are just really good at pretending that we’re not constantly tired and in intense pain.
Chronic illnesses often involve multiple factors, including physical symptoms, mental health considerations, and the overall impact on daily life. Oversimplifying these complex conditions with well-intentioned but misguided remarks diminishes the person’s struggle and may hinder open communication.
3. “Do they know what’s wrong with you yet?”
While curiosity is natural, probing about the specific diagnosis can be intrusive. Chronic illnesses often involve a complex diagnostic process, and some individuals may not have a clear diagnosis. We might never truly know what is wrong. Asking about it may unintentionally increase feelings of frustration or uncertainty. Also, people don’t have to share their specific diagnosis with you just because you want to know. It should be sufficient to just say that someone is having health problems or a difficult time. You have the right to keep personal health information, well, personal.
4. How long will you be sick?
The unpredictable nature of chronic illnesses often makes it challenging to predict the duration of illness. Asking about the timeline may inadvertently create additional stress for the person. Chronic conditions may involve fluctuations in symptoms, making it difficult to determine a specific endpoint. Many people with chronic illnesses aren’t working toward being cured; they’re working toward managing their symptoms enough that they can have a decent quality of life.
For many with chronic illnesses, questions surrounding the nature of their condition and its duration are often sources of stress. Responding to such inquiries may require the individual to revisit uncertainties and potential anxieties related to their health. For me, it’s still unclear whether I will ever fully recover, go into remission, get a bit better, or need a feeding tube for the rest of my life. So…. I have no idea how long I will be sick, and it is so hard not knowing. Please stop asking.
5. When will you be able to do X again?”
I wrote about this exact question for a piece on The Mighty, explaining that what you’re basically asking is “When will you be normal again?” Questioning a person’s ability to engage in certain activities can make them feel pressured or judged. Chronic illnesses are unpredictable, and the individual might be doing their best to manage their condition. These kinds of questions can add stress and diminish their sense of control. I am very well aware of what I can and cannot do right now, and I don’t need to be reminded of all the things I have to miss out on.
6. “You’ll get better in no time!”
I know this stems from good intentions, but I hate this one because you literally don’t know that. While optimism is appreciated, offering unrealistic expectations can be disheartening for those with chronic conditions. Chronic illnesses often involve long-term management, and false assurances may create false hope, leading to disappointment and frustration. Also, I just don’t believe you. Five minutes ago you said that you had never even heard of my illness.
Other similar statements like “think positively” or “stay optimistic”, can also fall into the realm of toxic positivity. While positive thinking can be empowering, forcing it as a solution to chronic illness oversimplifies the challenges and may invalidate the person’s experiences on difficult days. I don’t always want to look at the silver linings.
7. “My friend/aunt/grandma has that and she’s fine.”
Comparing one person’s experience to another’s oversimplifies the diverse nature of chronic illnesses. Each person’s journey is unique, and what works for one person may not work for another. Such comparisons can downplay the severity of the person’s condition and diminish their experiences with serious illness. I’m happy for your family members, but that literally has nothing to do with me.
On the other hand, I do appreciate when other people share that they also have a chronic illness or have gone through something very challenging. But it’s not in a “I know exactly what you are going through and it’s not that bad” way. It’s a recognition that I am not alone, and even though you don’t know exactly what I am going through, you have some sense of the stress and difficulty that come with health issues.
8. “Oh, I think I had that.”
Oh, you think you had a disease that almost killed you? Because if you had truly gone through what I had, you would know. While it may be intended as a way to relate or show empathy, claiming to have experienced a similar condition can minimize the unique challenges faced by individuals with chronic illness. Every person’s experience is distinct, and assuming equivalence oversimplifies the complexities of chronic conditions.
This statement unintentionally invalidates and downplays the severity of someone’s illness. It may create an impression that the challenges they face are easily overcome or not as significant as they actually are. For example, while fatigue is a common experience, chronic fatigue associated with certain conditions is often unrelenting. Comparing everyday tiredness to chronic fatigue minimizes the profound impact it has on a person’s daily life and may diminish their efforts to cope.
9. “I’m so jealous you lost weight.”
Getting this sick was the worst thing that ever happened to me. So commenting on my weight loss without understanding the context can be hurtful. Some chronic illnesses may cause unintentional weight loss due to health complications. Associating weight loss solely with positive outcomes oversimplifies the challenges the person faces. Similarly, I am often asked, “How much weight did you lose?” That’s such a personal and unnecessary question, so usually, I just answer “A lot more than was healthy”.
10. “Have you done any research into this?”
Implying that the person hasn’t adequately researched their condition may come across as condescending. Most individuals with chronic illnesses are actively engaged in understanding their health, and suggesting otherwise can be dismissive of their knowledge and experiences.
At the same time, while I can google my symptoms and illness, I am not a doctor or a medical researcher. Why are you expecting me to have found some magical treatment? That is such an unfair onus, burden, and expectation to place on a patient who is just trying to survive. While I can look for information that is already out there, that doesn’t help when you have a rare illness that is underfunded and under-researched. No, I am not running my own medical experiments in my basement. That’s not my job.
11. “Have you tried exercising more?”
The idea that exercise is a universal cure can be detrimental to those with chronic conditions. While physical activity is beneficial for many, it might exacerbate symptoms for those with conditions causing chronic pain or fatigue. Suggesting exercise oversimplifies the complex nature of chronic illnesses, potentially invalidating the person’s struggles. I wasn’t even allowed to exercise for the first six months, and even today, I have to limit what I do.
12. “Have you tried drinking more water?”
I’m not allowed to drink water either, so no. It is not a cure-all.
Offering advice without being asked can be perceived as intrusive and may contribute to feelings of frustration. Chronic illnesses often require personalized, carefully considered approaches, and unsolicited advice may not consider the complexity of the person’s health situation.
13. “Are you even trying to get better?”
Inadvertently dismissive or judgmental statements can contribute to heightened stress levels and negatively impact mental health. Chronic illness sufferers already face significant psychological challenges, and insensitive comments may exacerbate feelings of isolation and frustration.
Implying that someone isn’t putting in effort to improve their health oversimplifies the challenges of chronic illness. Many individuals actively engage in various treatments, therapies, and lifestyle changes to manage their conditions. Such comments may contribute to feelings of guilt or inadequacy. I would love to get better. I wish nothing more than to be completely healthy. Of course, I am trying to get better. Sorry it’s not fast enough for you. It’s not fast enough for me either.
How to Offer Support:
If someone you know is struggling with chronic illness, it’s probably best to avoid any of the statements above. Instead, here are some ways to offer support instead:
- Be a Good Listener: The best way to support someone is just to be there for them. One of the most powerful things you can do is lend a compassionate ear. Acknowledge the person’s experiences with an open mind, allowing them to express their feelings and frustrations.
- Offer Help without Expectations: Instead of making assumptions about the person’s needs, ask how you can be supportive. Be prepared to adapt your assistance based on their changing circumstances. The person might now know what they want or need. You could say something like “When John was sick, we did X for them. Is that something you would enjoy?”
- Educate Yourself: Take the initiative to learn more about the person’s specific condition. Understanding the nuances of their illness demonstrates genuine care and helps you avoid making uninformed or potentially hurtful statements. You can also offer to accompany them to doctor’s appointments, where you can learn more about their illness and their struggles.
- Offer Emotional Support: Chronic illness journeys often involve emotional highs and lows. Offering emotional support without pressing for specific details allows the person to open up when they feel ready and creates a supportive environment, even on their dark days.
- Recognize the Importance of Social Support: Encourage the person to engage with close friends, support groups, or seek help from therapists or medical professionals. Social support can be invaluable for individuals with chronic conditions, providing a sense of understanding and shared experiences. Social isolation is something that is really easy to fall into while dealing with severe health challenges.
- Support Them Through What They’re Going Through: Rather than asking about the future or pressing for specific details, express your commitment to supporting the person in their current journey. Acknowledge that you’re there for them, regardless of the uncertainties.
- Respect Privacy: Recognize that the individual may not want to disclose all the details about their condition. Respect their privacy and refrain from pressuring them to share more than they are comfortable with. And don’t tell others about it unless you are given permission.
- Express Empathy: Acknowledging the complexity of chronic illness and expressing empathy goes a long way. Let the person know that while you don’t know exactly what they’re going through, you’re there for them.
- Say Things Like:
- “Wow, that really sucks.”
- “I’m so sorry to hear that.”
- “It’s ok to be sad or scared.”
- “What can I do to help?”
- “Do you want to talk about it or do you want a distraction?”
- “Would you like me to tell the rest of our friends/family for you?”
Final Thoughts:
Navigating conversations with those with chronic health conditions requires empathy, patience, and a commitment to understanding their unique experiences. The impact of words, whether well-intentioned or not, can be profound. I encourage you to approach conversations with sensitivity and compassion so that the person with chronic illness in your life feels supported and valued as they face huge challenges. Let me know in the comments what you think are the best and worst things someone can say to a person dealing with chronic illness!